Nightmare Science Fiction
6 April 2008
(Seattle, WA) An eighth grade school science fair project involving the assembly of a homemade quartz crystal radio evolved into much more when student Bart Starr Sampson stumbled upon the research of inventor Nikola Tesla (videos) after wondering how the Tesla coil he had seen in an old movie worked.
"A hundred years ago Tesla built these towers that projected electricity into the air," Bart explained. "And people miles away could tap into that power with an antenna for free."
Bart further explained that neither his school nor the local high school his mother teaches English at had any information on Tesla so he had to use the Internet instead.
"My mom kept telling me to get off the computer and do my homework," he said. "I tried telling her I was studying but she wouldn't believe me. She's totally paranoid I'll start trying to make friends on MySpace.
"I really wanted to see what would happen if I tried to receive frequencies other than AM radio," said the young inventor. "And I immediately discovered I could get all sorts of signals, even if they only sounded like noise."
After making some simple adjustments to tap into several frequencies at once, Bart's device started generating an electical charge far more powerful than he ever expected.
"It totally fried my headphones! So I tried attaching a flashlight bulb to it and it shone so brightly it burned out too.
"Don't tell my mom," Bart whispered. "But I asked around online how to make it more powerful. People told me to use thicker wires and grounding and a bunch of other stuff they urged me to keep secret.
"I told my mom what it could do and she got all worried I was gonna hurt myself and made me throw it away," Bart lamented. "I was like 'screw that!' and hid it in my closet before the garbage man arrived."
After spending his allowance money making the additional changes on the advice he received from dozens of online forums, chat rooms and other websites, Bart was ready for the "big test" as he put it.
"I hooked every lightbulb in the house up to it and they all glowed super-bright," he explained. "But when I tried to bring it up with my mom, she just got pissed that I was still thinking about it. She even said my father would agree with her, but that bum left us years ago for some skank he met at the bar."
Upon further advice from new friends he was making online, Bart called the University of Washington's electrical engineering department. After nearly an hour-long conversation of explaining the details of his contraption, the college reluctantly agreed to send someone to Bart's home with testing equipment.
"The guy totally freaked out when he saw all the lights nearly explode. He told me it generated more than enough electricity to run everything in the house.
"He confessed it wouldn't work as well outside of the city because there are fewer free energy signals to tap energy from, but he promised to return with paperwork so his buddies could invest in it."
Then things took a turn for the worse. The following day government officials showed up at Bart's school demanding he turn over his invention to them.
"I lied and told the [explicative deleted] I didn't know what the hell they were talking about," explaining how he had been warned of countless other inventors whose alternative power generators were destroyed by the government -- including Tesla's -- and how some of them had even been murdered.
"When I got home from school, my house was trashed," he said shedding a tear. "Good thing I took it to a friend's house first."
Asked what he plans to do next, Bart said he just wants everyone to know about his easy-to-assemble invention.
"My science teacher said she's giving me an A-plus even though she hasn't seen it yet," Bart beamed proudly.
16 March 2008
Visitors to Disney World should be concerned about biometric scanners that record the fingerprints of its guests, both adults and children alike (video).
Disney contends the devices are solely used to prevent ticket fraud.
"They're not being very transparent about it, either," writes Karen Harmel for the newsinitiative.org website. "There are no signs posted about the data collection or retention, and Disney's official line is that they're not collecting fingerprints, just mathematical representations of same."
But mathematical representations of fingerprints is exactly how law enforcement computers search those already on file.
While Disney will accept photo identification instead, the option is not advertised to guests.
Disney is also looking into adding automated face recognition at its theme parks.
Disney is considered a hallmark in the use of biometric technology and has been approached by the government for advice. "Former Disney employees have filled some of the most sensitive positions in the U.S. intelligence and security communities," according to the article.
"Civil liberties experts fear the use of biometrics by government and private companies will escalate without proper privacy protections. But industry officials say Disney's extensive use of the technology is a sign of things to come.
"'It helps public perception to have biometrics deployed on a widespread basis,' said Joseph Campbell, the former chairman of the Biometrics Consortium. 'The more people use biometrics, the more people are comfortable with it.'"
14 March 2008
The March 9th David Icke Newsletter reports of research into water pollution discovering that contaminants from female hormones like estrogen in contractive pills and hormone replacement therapy are physically changing the animals that injest them.
For example, researchers found an increase in the size of the part of the male starling brain that controls singing that feed on worms near sewage treatment plants which is causing unusual song patterns.
"Studies at the University of Alberta discovered that robins contaminated by the pesticide DDT prior to birth suffered damage to the area of the brain that allows them to sing and protect their territory," according to the article.
Contamination is leading to male sex organ shrinkage and deformity, and there are numerous cases of hermaphrodism being reported in several species.
PCBs used in paints, plastics and numerous other products are found in most common grocery store products. Phthalates found in plastics and according to Greenpeace, various Disney children's pajamas are also contaminating people.
A study at Rotterdam's Erasmus University discovered that the male children of mothers exposed to PCBs are exhibiting more feminine game play behaviors than boys without the poisoning.
"Researchers at the University of Rochester in New York State found that boys born to mothers contaminated by phthalates developed smaller penises and signs of 'feminisation of the genitals,'" according to the newsletter.
"Another aspect of all this is that those communities with high levels of these pollutants and hormones in the environment have been producing twice as many girls as boys when the traditional norm has been around 106 boys to 100 girls.
"But the most widespread consequence of this chemical distortion of human sexuality would appear to be the falling sperm counts across the world. They have dropped on average by well over half in the last 50 years, according to studies in more than 20 countries, and the rate of decline is continuing at around two-per-cent a year."
"It's frightening that the vast majority of the population has no clue about the extent of the biological fallout occurring on this planet," says mind control researcher Skews Me.
"Many have never even learned of the devestation that the pesticide DDT had on the animal kingdom before it was eventually banned in 1972 let alone the extent of harm caused today by genetically modified crops (video) being produced in the United States.
"Add to that the hazards from all the pharmaceuticals in the water supply, and the fuse on this timebomb we call Earth is nearing detonation."
13 March 2008
According to SecurityProNews, computer hackers using a server in China corrupted over 10,000 web pages through code injection.
The hackers apparently scanned for servers lacking the proper security and infected otherwise trustworthy web pages.
One line of attack in particular seeks to discover online gaming passwords. High-level characters and virtual items such as gold can then be sold on sites like ebay for real money.
Security vendor McAfee has helped clean up many of the infected sites, but others may still exist.
Cybercriminal Hacker666 said he was too busy to comment other than asking if we knew anyone who wanted to buy some level 70 Blood Elf characters from the wildly popular game World of Warcraft for only $700 each.
"That's about 200 bucks less than their going price," he said.
13 March 2008
Monday's birth of a baby with two faces in India is one of several recent similar accounts of unusual birth defects. Some say the infants are reincarnated gods.
Diprosopus and polycephaly in humans and other animals is rare but increasing. Gross deformities in war zones and around military firing ranges is becoming commonplace. Infertility is also a growing problem.
Some scientists say the reasons for the increases are unknown while critics blame a variety of causal agents including pesticides, certain food additives, genetically modified crops (video), experimental vaccinations, depleted uranium ordnance, and chemtrails the long white plumes spewing from airplanes over our cities that people believe are only harmless contrails (videos).
Mainstream media has been virtually silent on the dangers of these agents, often choosing to ignore research into them as they typically do about anything critical of big business.
"It's just not newsworthy," is the canned response from networks.
12 March 2008
Today's headline news out of Europe reports of archaeologists discovering an ancient skeleton of a young woman in the Greek city of Veria that apparently underwent a medical procedure known as trepaning (or trephining).
Trepanation is the oldest known surgical technique according to the medical journal Neurosurgery; examples of holes chipped into skulls have been found in countries including Egypt, Peru, Mexico, Brazil, Latvia, Tibet, Canada, the United States, and Colombia.
Yahoo! News quotes the Ta Nea newspaper as stating that according to head archaeologist Ioannis Graikos, "Medical treatment on the human body in the Roman Veria is part of a long tradition that began with Hippocrates up to Roman doctor [sic] Celsus and Galen."
According to the newsletter, "Hippocrates is believed to have lived in the fifth century BC, Celsus between 25 BC to 50 AD, and Galen from 131 to 201."
10 March 2008
WTVQ in Lexington, Kentucky recently reported that state representative Tim Couch wants to make anonymous internet posting illegal.
He filed a bill that "would require anyone who contributes to a website to register their real name, address and e-mail address with that site," according to the article.
"Their full name would be used anytime a comment is posted."
Website operators would be fined if someone was allowed to post anonymously on their site.
Couch hopes to cut down on online bullying that has been a problem in his Eastern Kentucky district.
Federal legislation proposed in 2006 to criminalize inflamatory statements made against other online users failed Congressional approval.
It should be noted that Kentucky ranks number one for the largest percentage increase in criminal incarceration according to recent statistics leading some to question if there isn't an inherent problem with that state's educational system ranked #31 by Morgan Quitno's fifth annual Smartest State Award at the www.morganquitno.com website.
Cybercriminals support the bill. "While we have no problem with misrepresenting ourselves online," said Hacker666. "Most of our victims are far more honest. It'll be great to immediately know their real names, and did you say they need to supply their home address too? How convenient."
9 March 2008
Yahoo! News reports today of an Associated Press investigation into the quality of drinking water that discovered minute amounts of pharmaceuticals (video) including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones.
The EPA notes there are no sewage treatment systems specifically engineered to remove pharmaceuticals. Some drugs even resist treatment processes.
Environmental officials have typically focused on regulated contaminants such as pesticides, lead, and PCBs that are found in higher concentrations.
Utilities insist their water is safe. Some cities even deny the existance of drugs in their water supply.
"More than 100 different pharmaceuticals have been detected in lakes, rivers, reservoirs and streams throughout the world," states the report. There's also "evidence that adding chlorine, a common process in conventional drinking water treatment plants, makes some pharmaceuticals more toxic."
There has been little research into the impact on the environment. Deformities in fish have been noticed downstream of cattle feedlots that use anabolic steroids. Microscopic organisms at the bottom of the food chain are even more susceptible to trace amounts of drugs. Effects of longterm exposure on humans is unknown.
"Based on what we now know, I would say we find there's little or no risk from pharmaceuticals in the environment to human health," said microbiologist Thomas White, a consultant for the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America, according to the report.
3 March 2008
A recent study found that people over the age of 30 have better memories than younger adults schooled in public and private education.
Most who were homeschooled (video) scored far above average on the test in both age groups.
Some researchers blame it on digital memory replacing human recollections. They also point out that American text books have been increasingly dumbed down over the years.
In 1970 Alvin Toffler wrote in Future Shock that "what passes for education today, even in our 'best' schools and colleges, is a hopeless anachronism."
In 1996 Sue Fischer, president of the Association of Washington Educators of Talented and Gifted, said that during the past 15 years, the reading level of texbooks had dropped by two grade levels. That is, what used to be third-grade material was now fifth-grade material.
Grade inflation is also out of hand. A's aren't what they were worth a generation ago.
"The problem has only gotten worse," says mind control researcher Skews Me. "The text messaging generation isn't even learning to write properly."
California recently banned the practice of homeschooling children unless the parent holds teaching credentials.
"Herr Swartzenegger's public Nazi sentiments resound in Hitler's ban of homeschooling," said Northwest activist Ashley White.
10 June 2007
Google mainframes were attacked by hackers Sunday exposing unpublished satellite photos of FEMA prison camps in America (video).
Numerous conspiracy forums began circulating the images.
"These centers are designed to hold citizens in case of national emergency such as a drug crisis according to official government documents," said Northwest activist Ashley White.
"It's Guantanemo, Cuba waiting to happen right here in our own back yard," she stressed.
"There are allegedly 800 such holding centers in the US alone."
A Google representative gave his assurance that the computer assault did not compromise users' personal information.
"It was an unprotected image gallery," said Google.
2 March 2008
Mind control researcher Skews Me reports of someone claiming to have worked with the FBI in 1992 "brief[ing] them on the detailed plans of the [Central Intelligence Agency] to create the largest prison population on earth in comparison to the general population."
Yahoo! News recently reported of the record-high number of Americans in prison.
"More than one of every 100 adults is in jail or prison," according to a new study by Pew Center on the States.
"Using state-by-state data, the report says 2,319,258 Americans were in jail or prison at the start of 2008 — one out of every 99.1 adults. Whether per capita or in raw numbers, it's more than any other nation.
"The largest percentage increase — 12 percent — was in Kentucky, where Gov. Steve Beshear highlighted the cost of corrections in his budget speech last month. He noted that the state's crime rate had increased only about 3 percent in the past 30 years, while the state's inmate population has increased by 600 percent.
"The report said prison growth and higher incarceration rates do not reflect an increase in the nation's overall population. Instead, it said, more people are behind bars mainly because of tough sentencing measures, such as "three-strikes" laws, that result in longer prison stays.
"The report said the United States incarcerates more people than any other nation, far ahead of more populous China with 1.5 million people behind bars. It said the U.S. also is the leader in inmates per capita (750 per 100,000 people), ahead of Russia (628 per 100,000) and other former Soviet bloc nations which round out the Top 10.
"The U.S. also is among the world leaders in capital punishment. According to Amnesty International, its 53 executions in 2006 were exceeded only by China, Iran, Pakistan, Iraq and Sudan."
3 March 2008
Not since the MRSA staff infection epidemic (video) in San Diego prisons during 2004 has there been an outbreak of such proportion in the prison system.
Dozens of inmates at two federal institutions have contracted the deadly Streptococcus pyogenes or flesh-eating bacteria.
Lawyers for the prisoners claim one of the guards who worked at both facilities brought in the disease and purposely spread it throughout common areas.
Remaining prisoners were organized to assist in cleanup efforts. "The prisons have been sanitized," stated a lawyer for the private companys maintaining the prisons.
Government officials have not released a statement.
Critics point to numerous secret government-funded experiments on prison populations.
2 March 2008
Norway made world news recently with the opening of a Doomsday Vault close to the North Pole to safeguard seed stocks that haven't been genetically modified.
Society is slowly becoming aware of the inherent dangers of genetically modified organisms such as the staples soy and corn.
The haphazard methods of genetic manipulation introduces unpredictable changes in the plant's fundamental processes, according to Seeds of Deception author Jeffrey M. Smith.
These changes can even infect those that merely handle the GMO products. People have become highly allergic to GMO while reacting normally to the natural plants.
Animals prefer not to eat GMO feed. Smith wants humans to rise to their level. Animals tested died or otherwise had numerous other reproductive anomolies.
Researchers blame GMO for increased infertility, rare cancers, and early onset of puberty.
The global honeybee die-off is also blamed on GMO crops.
Many nations refuse to import GMO products from the US and Canada.
Genetic engineering is creating food that produces unpredictable toxins in addition to the desired effect of being herbicide resistant (videos).
Doctors are not trained to recognize the effects of GMO poisoning unless it presents as an epidemic of acute cases.
The lawyer for a leading producer of GMO works for the Food and Drug Administration, according to Smith.
Courts have banned the practice of including labels indicating non-GMO products.
9 March 2007
With the success of Disney's recent addition of interactive robotic characters to its theme parks, Imagineers have created an advanced robotics division in their Science Department. The department was created in 1967 shortly before Walt's death to experiment with nuclear fission.
"With our new Animatronic Muppets, Disney invisions human versions that can take over repetitive tasks in the global marketplace," said a Disney spokesperson at a recent press conference. "Dangerous jobs may become a thing of the past with this promising technology. The military has also expressed an interest."
Financial experts praise the corporation for its ingenuity. Stock prices are expected to soar if Disney receives a government contract to develop remote-controlled soldiers.
A Disney cast member, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed concern. "The next thing you know there's going to be Oscar the Grouches scooting around the park picking up garbage. Not to mention the greeters at the gate. I don't think some desk jockey miles away controlling a robot should replace the dedicated employee working out in the famous Orange County sunshine."
Guest reaction to the Muppet's bumbling scientist Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his "meep-meeping" sidekick Beaker has been nothing but positive. Not since Lucky, a 20-foot-long dinosaur who walked the Animal Kingdom in 2003, has there been a roaming Animatronic at a Disney theme park.
21 March 2007
In a wave of vandalism stretching across dozens of states, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" stickers have begun to appear on cars and other private property.
"Security cameras show that it's groups of young adults committing these crimes," said Britty Cole, spokeswoman for the Juneau, Alaska police department, the city being focal point of the recent student freedom of speech controversy.
"In a well-coordinated attack, they pick 4:20 in the afternoon to sweep high-density parking lots affixing the stickers to automobiles."
"Police in local districts have received numerous complaints clogging the switchboards," said Cole. "Victims are worried they'll be treated unfairly at traffic stops before they have the chance to remove the stickers."
"What these potheads are doing is destructive and I'll bust heads if I catch them," grumbled a Humvee owner at an Illinois Wallmart whose vehicle was pasted with numerous stickers including some reading "Oil is the blood of Satan."
School districts have been put on alert for this new form of activism. Disciplinary action may be brought against students who are committing the vandalism.
22 March 2007
The freedom of speech case Morse vs. Frederick involving high school student rights has come to the attention of U.S. Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales.
The controversy began when student Joseph Frederick unveiled a 14-foot banner reading "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" as the Olympic torch was carried through the streets of Juneau, Alaska. Principal Deborah Morse suspended him for five days for violating the school's no-drug policy. The punishment was increased to ten days when Frederick refused to turn in his cohorts.
In response, thousands of teens across the nation began affixing "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" stickers to automobiles, mailboxes, and other high-visibility areas causing millions of dollars in personal property damage.
"This is a well-banked attack," said Gonzalez to The Spoof. "Millions of stickers isn't cheap. We are investigating whether it is centrally funded or coming out of the pockets of the individual perpetrators."
"We will be treating these crimes as drug offenses," stressed the attorney general. "An insurrection of drug addicted students will not be tolerated."
The American Civil Liberties Union was outraged at Gonzalez's statements. "These are just kids standing up for Joseph's rights," said ACLU spokesman Matthew Christianson. "Joseph orchestrated a publicity stunt using some politically charged words. Would he have been suspended if the sign read 'Money is our master' instead? A toast to our Lord with one of His own creations is somehow worse?
"The taggers are committing acts of vandalism at worst, that is all," said Christianson. "Charging them with a drug offense would ruin so many of their chances to pursue further education. Is that what we really want for our more civic-minded students?"
The Justice Department is determined to prosecute. "There have been numerous instances of these criminals sabotaging the vehicle's operation which could bring charges of domestic terrorism," said Gonzalez.
The ACLU doesn't agree that a potato plugging an exhaust pipe need be raised to the level of suicide bomber. The Spoof also notes that the SUVs targeted are gas guzzlers.
20 June 2007
The experimental preschool Head First uses the latest research in neurobiology, cognitive science, and learning theory to accelerate the development of children in its care.
Founded five years ago by Head First Labs, the schools have been sprouting up in gated communities across the nation.
Babies as young as 1 year old are introduced to programmed stimulation, covering a wide range of activities from image recognition to song memorization to motor skills proficiency.
"The classes have been an astounding success," said a Head First spokeswoman. "Our kids are testing off the charts."
"I never knew just how much information a young child actually absorbs," said a proud Head First mother. "I feel bad for the other kids who don't get this kind of early education."
10 June 2007
(Galesburg, IL) A resurgance in youths tagging cars with bumper stickers has returned to show support for five students denied their diplomas because of a cheering audience at a local high school.
Reports of "Dignity or No Diploma" stickers are coming in from across the nation reporting the vandalism.
Earlier this year, "Bong Hits for 4 Jesus" stickers resulted in an estimated $1.3 million in damage to private property. Despite Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez promising to treat the vandals as drug offenders, no one caught was charged with the stiff penalty.
Galesburg High officials released a statement saying they will review graduation regulations at the beginning of the next school year.
12 June 2007
"This was a well organized assault," said a Disney spokesperson. "Stickers appeared quickly and over the entire expanse of the park."
Curious guests asked the meaning of the swastika. It was explained that Steven Watts' Disney biography The Magic Kingdom states animator Arthur Babbitt said Walt attended American Nazi Party meetings.
Cast members were asked to stay late hunting down and removing the offensive stickers. Disney's new roaming Oscar the Grouch Animatronic scrubber proved ineffective with those stuck to the ground.
Disney's other theme parks have been put on alert.
16 June 2007
Ten-year-old "Baby Jasmine," the infant discoved in a Magic Kingdom toilet, is slated to do her first commercial for Disney in September.
Jasmine is to make an appearance in an ad for the reopening of Disneyland's Haunted Mansion.
"I love the ghosts," she told The Spoof.
"And they're adding more!" she added in haste.
Her adoptive parents were thrilled with the opportunity. "Our beautiful daughter already has a career in showbusiness? And with Disney nonetheless."
Disney is hopeful about the bright girl. "We want to show people that we still care about our own," said a spokesperson.
21 July 2007
When a newborn infant was found in a public toilet at a Disney theme park, she was given the name Jasmine after the character from the movie mogul's Alladin.
The efforts of the child's adoptive family eventually landed her a role in a commercial campaign for the Haunted Mansion reopening.
A recent incident at a Denny's restaraunt close to Disneyland in Anaheim, California has reopened the floodgates for many Disney detractors.
"Disney needs to step up to the plate and recognize their fan's obsessive compulsions," said activist Angela Meanes. "Especially when it regards an abondoned baby."
The 17-year-old in custody suspected of the performing the attempted late-term abortion on her baby has yet to be charged. Her identidy is also currently being withheld.
17 June 2007
(Orlando, FL) Disney has announced it will celebrate its own Twin Days at their US and European theme parks. The event next May 21st will complement August celebrations of the official Twin Days in Ohio.
"This is too cool," said one young Florida teen, Abby Eisner.
"Twice the Twin Days, twice the fun," said her twin, Betty.
Ohio Twin Days organizers are thrilled that Disney has jumped into the limelight. "So many of the twins were conceived at Disney hotels," said a spokesman.
"Some even on rides.
"It's been calculated that statistically, the rate is higher than in the general population of multiple births conceived at a Disney resort," he said.
3 March 2008
During a recent period of lucidity, Mouseketeer Britney Spears invited reporters to view her cherished collection of Disney artificts.
The history of dozens of hats, a closet of clothes, countless photographs, buttons, posters and other collectibles were individually explained in great detail to the engrossed reporters that chose to stay through the four hour monologue in her new attempt at a British accent.
Asked about her unusual Disney bandaid collection, she said she first started collecting them after discovering one on her arm after a ride at Disneyland.
"I'd run from ride to ride and find other kids with bandaids," she explained. "It was funny that no one knew where they got them from."
In a last minute attempt to rally the failing company from bankruptcy, Genetics Savings & Clone has opened its cryogenic storage facilities to preserving the DNA of geniuses.
A March 2007 press release promises to create the next generation of tissue bank. "Some of our clients don't want to create children, but they also don't want to see their genius disappear from humanity. They are more than willing to donate their essence to science."
A spokeswoman for the the society of geniuses, MENSA, was enthusiastic. "Many great thinkers want to bank their DNA. What if our next generation of humanity has to come from a test tube?"
17 June 2007
(Seattle, WA) Joe Smith worked out of his apartment providing what many are calling "hanger abortions" on whoever had the money, say local authorites. A raid uncovered a substantial collection of embryonic tissue.
"We're dealing with an extremely dangerous indivual here," said a police spokeswoman.
One of Smith's neighbors reported suspicious activity to 911. "A lot of teen girls went there, sometimes with their boyfriends. They always looked scared.
"Then the Chinese businessmen started visiting and bling bling."
A 1993 front page from The Seattle Times hung on Smith's wall in a locked closet reported "Scientists clone human embryos."
17 June 2007
During the production of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves," animators at Disney distributed a pornographic booklet entitled "Snow White and the Seven Truckdrivers," according to biographer Ward Kimball.
Pornographic nudes were Fred Moore's specialty, according to historian Norman M. Klein.
A rare copy of the booklet in fair condition has been put up for auction at the famous Sotheby's in the United Kingdom.
According to Antiques Roadshow, the risqué Snow White depictions are estimated to fetch a whopping $275,000.
Many pornographic images have found their way out of Disney studios, some even inserted into children's productions.
A photo of a topless woman appeared in "The Rescuers" home video.
In "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" Jessica Rabbit doesn't appear to be sporting underwear when she twirls.
The original home video cover art for "The Little Mermaid" contained a graphic depitiction of a phallus.
The booklet's owner obtained one of numerous copies circulating Lockheed and can't believe its worth. "I knew the porn industry was a lucrative business, but I never imagined how popular this old stuff is."
15 August 2007
(Munich, Germany) Human males enjoy being called nicknames that they feel enhance their prowess in the eyes of others reports Dick Bush of the University of Maryland, Munich Campus.
"Guys love being called diminutive yet masculine names by members of the opposite sex in both real life and especially online," says the researcher.
Women also enjoy cute nicknames, but only when they are intimate on some level with the male.
"Guys don't mind being called 'hun' by women but 'honey' is restricted to lovers," said Bush. "Women on the otherhand prefer 'honey' over 'hun' by lovers, with both considered rude if spoken by a male acquaintance."
Bush's research is also exploring the recent phenomenon of people legally changing their names to their screen names.
9 September 2007
(Dallas, Texas) César Sáez and other Canadian artists plan to launch a 300m-long inflateable banana into space.
Released from either Baja or Sonora, Mexico, to be carried by weather patterns into Texas, the fruit, the size of a 20 story building, will hover between 30 to 50 km over the Lone Star State using gyroscopes to keep it in position.
From the ground, the object will appear to be approximately 15-20 percent the size of the moon.
Local 911 dispatchers have been notified of the August 2008 launch of the huge yellow fruit-shaped balloon in anticipation of expected UFO reports (video).
Newspapers and television news programs will advertise the event, but the appearance of the flying object in combination with the low literacy rate of Texans is expected to strike fear in many cowboys.
"We hope no one panics," said a Dallas city councilman. "Texans already have a long history of firing guns indiscriminately into the air."
Police want to remind citizens not to attempt shooting the million dollar work of art.
19 September 2007
Researchers at the University of Florida studied what people actually look at when the objects are beautiful people reports the September issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Single heterosexual males and females predictably ogled attractive members of the opposite sex while those in committed relationships actually spent more time fixated on attractive members of the same sex.
Study leader Jon Maner explained the evolutionary basis for such findings:
"If we're interested in finding a mate, our attention gets quickly and automatically stuck on attractive members of the opposite sex," explained Maner according to Yahoo! News. "If we're jealous and worried about our partner cheating on us, attention gets quickly and automatically stuck on attractive people of our own sex because they are our competitors."
The study found that jealous men paid particular attention to attractive potential rivals.
Maner plans a followup study utilizing penile plethysmographs and hemodynamic evaluation to measure sexual arousal in addition to the eye movements.
Preliminary findings indicated that when looking at the opposite sex the focus of men would shift between face, breasts, waist and buttocks while women would look at face, shoulders and buttocks with appropriate looks at legs and other extremeties.
While looking at the same sex, the face was primary.
"We'd like to know which of these features are most exciting to look at as well as test our theory that 'getting away' with looking at taboo body parts is more stimulating," said Maner.
5 October 2007
On October 23, NASA plans to launch yet another shuttle mission into space. News leaked by insiders today reports of them attempting to retrieve the dead dog from Russia's 1957 Sputnik-2 experiment into space travel.
The original Russian Prosteishiy Sputnik ("the simplest satellite") launch on October 4, 1957, was little more than a space race to get an object orbiting the planet before the United States.
Less than one month later, Sputnik-2 carried a canine named Laika into space, making world history as American text books would report.
Laika perished in orbit due to unpredictably high temperatures.
Astronauts on October's launch are allegedly going to attempt to recover the remains of Laika after 50 years of circling the planet.
A full autopsy of the animal will be carried out upon a successful return to solid ground, but as astronauts have been painfully reminded after horrible catastrophes, NASA has been nicknamed "Need Another Seven Astronauts."
12 September 2007
Today's headlines have been abuzz with news that chimpanzees will trade food for sex. But what the mainstream outlets don't mention is the actual extent of this prostitution.
Television programs including the popular Today Show joked how male chimps in the West African village of Bossou in the Republic of Guinea have been raiding orchards for the choicest pieces of fruit for the choicest mates.
The objects of their monkey love are often the most promiscuous females.
Trading a papaya or other valued fruit stolen from farms in order to receive grooming and additional perks is widespread among the colonies, but the mainstream media seems reluctant to expose just how organized this sex trade is.
The more ingenious male apes are stockpiling fruit which they in turn dole out to their chosen comrades to receive perks.
Even the most infirmed males are able to obtain sex with fruit donated by allied individuals.
One chimpanzee, researcher Dr. Kimberley Hockings of Stirling University nicknamed George, has amassed more than 50 pounds of the most delectable food items along with several guards to watch over the delights.
George freely has sex with several females but also allows his cohorts access to them by means of his handouts.
The females appear cooperative in this symbiotic relationship, but that may actually be the result of the negative consequences that come with refusing "consortships" with males offering sufficient compensation.
15 June 2007
Ladies of the evening around the world have been expressing concern over the lack of "caring" their so-called Johns have been giving them.
"In the old days, married men would nurture us while bopping our brains out," said Las Vegas prostitute Emerald Diamond. "But those days seem to be over and all they care about is getting their rocks off.
"Single men are even worse!"
In the business of providing sexual pleasures to paying customers, many so-called hoes have been complaining about the shabby service they receive for "servicing" horny clients.
"They're all just rabbits in heat these days," stressed Diamond.
"The men don't even care about our feelings anymore. They come and go without any regard for our much sought after abilities," she said.
"It's like they don't even realize we train daily in our pleasuring skills."
18 July 2007
Deep Into It Productions has announced its upcoming release of an interactive 3-dimensional sex-themed gaming environment incorporating live action footage of sex industry workers.
"The name of the game is Dating Around," says creator Dick Best. "The world we recreate seamlessly blends our actors with the player character's desires."
"Hundreds of hours of filming went into our current production, and we've been recruiting new actors for our followup features."
Player reaction to the game has been ecstatic.
"If I just want to practice picking up someone at the bar or go to a club and get all kinky, the game allows for thousands of options," said one of the game's testers.
A downloadable demo is available at the company's website.
23 March 2007
At a recent American Psychological Association convention, one seminar packed in more shrinks than all the others combined: Pleasuring Oneself in Today's Society.
Covering a wide range of topics from individual masterbatory techniques to Internet pornography tricks, the crowd waited patiently for what was promised to be groundbreaking news.
"Masturbation is a homosexual act," declared researcher Emma Gaye. "The person practicing such behavior is inherantly touching a body part that they would if with a gay lover.
"Fantasy is not an issue in regard to masturbation's inherent homoeroticism. They could be thinking of baseball for all that it matters. What is important is that they are touching same-sexed body parts."
Critics argue that self-love is not gay. They point out that fantasy is crucial to determining whether any kind of homosexual label should be applied to masturbation.
Gaye disagrees. "Countless religious folk are in therapy because they are afraid to touch themselves. They see it as 'dirty' and 'evil,' an abomination to the Lord. At the same time they don't have a problem with performing such acts on their lover, straight or gay."
The jury is still out for The Spoof.
26 June 2007
Gay Days at Disney have become a yearly gala for many in the homosexual community, but this year's event at Disney World has sparked litigation regarding sexist treatment of guests.
The controvery began when two gay couples were caught heavy petting on Disney's "It's a Small World" ride. The male couple was asked to leave the park while the female couple was allowed to stay.
"The way we were treated was outrageous," said plaintiff Tony Bone. "They escorted us out of the park before we even had the chance to comb our hair."
"This would never happen to a straight couple or even the lesbians sitting behind us doing the same thing," said Tony's boyfriend Randy Panter.
Panter and Bone contacted the American Civil Liberties Union who are representing the couple.
"Double standards cannot be tolerated and Disney needs to realize this," said an ACLU spokesman.
6 August 2007
With an impressive $74M opening weekend, the long-awaited Simpsons movie is being hailed as the best animated feature film in history. But lawyers for Walt Disney Productions have filed a defamation lawsuit against 20th Century Fox.
"The Simpsons boy wearing a bra on his head in imitation of Mickey Mouse goes too far when he says he's the mascot of an evil corporation," said a spokesperson.
Disney is demanding the scene removed from home releases of the mature cartoon.
Family advocates consider one scene even too adult for the R rating.
"I'm nowhere near the prude Flanders is, but showing Bart's private parts is sick and wrong," said a woman leaving a Sunday matinee.
28 August 2007
(Seattle, WA) Thousands of children have been admitted to emergency rooms for eating the popular children's sculpting clay Playdough after their parents bought them Disney's Lilo & Stitch breakfast cereal, according to an American Medical Association alert released today.
"My kids said Playdough tasted like their cereal," cried a worried mother at the University of Washington Medical Center who was awaiting her two children's stomaches to be pumped.
"I tried it, and the cereal smells exactly like Playdough," she said. "It's frightening that these kids are making the connection without realizing the difference."
Critics of Disney lament that this is just one more irresponsible act the media giant has let loose on its fans and demand a recall of the sugary treat.
"Disney products are recalled far more often than people realize," said the owner of the the Why We Hate Disney news group. "Everything from lead-based paint on toys to gender-bending chemicals in Disney's pajamas have led activists to call for recalls."
"Unfortunately, most people don't learn about the faulty products until it is too late."
11 September 2007
(Anaheim, CA) Disney heroine Minnie Mouse was seen leaving a local abortion clinic in tears according to a paparazzo tailing the diva who was granted a rare interview. His recently published book "Mickey Mouse: A Rat in Wizard's Clothing" will be available in stores next week.
"Mickey made me do it," she wailed hysterically according to the author. "That bastard didn't want kids holding him back."
"He didn't even have the common courtesy to pay for it," she explained. "I'm rich so I can afford to pay for my 'mistake' myself? He's such an [explicative deleted]!"
Rodent superstar Mickey Mouse, a Republican fundraiser for Pro-Life causes, was unavailable for comment, but his lawyers did release a statement.
"Mr. Mouse expresses his regrets for the unborn lives but does not believe his wife's babies to be his, instead a result of an impregnation by Goofy that occured during her trip to Paris last year," read the press release.
The event in question occured during an orgy that was secretly filmed by another Disney employee. The video has been wildly popular on such sites as YouTube and iFilm (video).
9 September 2007
An increasing number of businesses today rely on computer voice recognition for navigating their phone directories. First generation software products, unfortunately, could not decipher the accents of many rural speakers.
Charter Industrial Applications announced today their proven solution to the problem.
"Our software can actually understand the most localized dialect from the typical southern drawl to full-blown Cajun-speak to the Queen's English to Middle Eastern accents," said a company spokeswoman.
Previously classified for Homeland Security intelligence gathering applications, Charter's program has finally been approved for general use by corporate America.
Capital One has invested undisclosed millions into the project to better handle the call volume to its southern offices.
"Each new card member generates money for our company through the surcharges," said a spokesman. "Being able to actually understand what our customers are trying to tell us is a huge boon to our bottom line."
8 September 2007
Activists have long chosen to picket power plants that produce toxic waste or create other bad side effects. They urge a Green approach to producing electricity for an ever growing population.
Nuclear power is a favored targetted for the deadly hazards it involves. Coal creates its own pollutants and mining dangers. Hydroelectric dams are considered bad for the surrounding habitat. And many claim windmill towers are eyesores and often poorly located to produce adequate electricity. Solar energy only occasionaly makes news.
Meanwhile, a new method of harnessing energy has been completely overlooked in America: Magnetohydrodynamics or MHD power. MHD uses a powerful magnetic field to move fluids.
Magnetohydrodynamics was popularized by the Hollywood motion picture "The Hunt for Red October" which depicted a Russian submarine using the technology for its propulsion system. In real life, Japan has created MHD-driven sea vessels: the Yamato series.
More than a decade ago, an MHD power plant was built in Israel. Proponents claim that the Etgar 3 system is up to 30 percent more efficient than traditional generators.
Unfortunately, America has refused to consider the Green power plants as a viable source of energy. As with other technologies involving electromagnetism, the US Government has remained virtually silent.
Critics point out that magnetic levitation or maglev, a technology developed in the United States, isn't even used in America for high speed trains.
"People are afraid of magnets," said a White House spokesman.
"Just look at the number of children dying from eating tiny ones on their toys," he said.
Numbers of people have created so-called free-energy alternative power supplies using magnetic systems including John Searl's naturopathic Searl-Effect Generator powering his late 1960's shoestring budget experimental aircraft (video) that was calculated could reach the moon in a mere nine hours before he was jailed and his research destroyed.
21 June 2007
Soldiers of the future should get used to breathing filtered air. Air quality in war zones has grown to debilitating levels due to radioactive materials from allied ordnance.
The depleted uranium used in Southwest Asia is becoming too toxic a hazard for generals to deny their forces in combat zones extreme protective measures.
Approaching NASA encapsulation, military uniforms and other enclosures under contract are being designed to shield radiation and other biotoxins.
"Our troops will be able to charge any situation," emphasized Gen. "Whitey" McDermott. "The new suits also incorporate latest cooling design technology to protect against the desert heat."
26 June 2007
Victims of depleted uranium poisoning have filed suit against the government for inadequately warning them of the inherent dangers involved in using their ordnance.
Projectiles made from the dense radioactive metals vaporize when penetrating their target. Tank armor forged from it suffers a similar process when pierced.
The radioactive dust can even penetrate protective clothing including gas masks, causing serious illness and possible death. Pregnant women exposed to the toxin have been giving birth to grossly deformed babies.
"We were never told how dangerous this stuff is," said a private who wished to remain anonymous.
"It was only after stumbling upon a US Army training video online (video) and other news sources that I learned the potential hazards of depleted uranium," he said.
"And now the military doesn't want us to access sites like YouTube where we can learn about this stuff?"
The military insists that with proper precautions depleted uranium is harmless.
20 August 2007
The American government securities firm SpyOnYou.com has announced partnership with China's medical establishment.
Implantation of the company's Radio Frequency Identification chips is to become mandatory for all Chinese children according to new dictates from the totalitarian nation.
"Many of our citizen's fingerprints cannot be recorded using today's ink application technology," says criminalist Wang Ho. "RFID is the logical alternative."
Recent Westernization has introduced massive corruption and crime to the otherwise warlike nation, but Ho points to a recent press release from China's leader.
"'The Awakening' (video) episode of Masters of Science Fiction was respectful to our culture," said President Hu Jintao. "Your Hollywood writers spoke eloquently."
China's commitment to global peace has long been a concern for strategists in Washington, and today's announcement only further upsets human rights groups.
No one in Hollywood would touch upon this sensitive topic in late night monologues.
Homeland Security has been alerted to procure scanning devices for use at points of entry from China.
21 July 2007
Concerned parents around the world are increasingly worried about the sheer number of bullies harassing their children. "It's becoming an epidemic here and in other schools everywhere," said a Canadian education official.
A country known for its overly friendly citizens, Canada seems an unlikely location for a study on bullying.
The Canadian findings are not hopeful concludes a U.S. Department of Education report. "The ever increasing problem is developing in all school districts nationwide as well as foreign nations."
Bullies are getting away with their attacks with minimal punishment. Detentions, suspensions and expulsions are just not effective with many of these youth.
Some say that hard time is necessary to turn these kids around.
The Education report supports using incarceration as a deterrent to preventing further victimization by bullies.
The study also recommends increased education of all inmates including adult prisoners.
"Recidivism rates are substantially reduced with reeducation and reintigration programs," said the study.
12 March 2007
Adding insult to injury, laptop computers missing from the FBI's recent inventory have appeared on Ebay.
"The seller said it was fully-loaded, but I never imagined it was going to be case files on child abductions when I bought it," quipped an Ebay regular. "I just liked the cheap price."
An FBI field agent speaking on condition of anonymity made the following statement: "Allowing the contents of the laptops to be made available could be detrimental to several high profile cases. Attempts to apprehend Ebay seller Hacker666 have also been unsuccessful."
In addition to the missing children cases, the FBI has expressed concern regarding murder and white-collar crime data possibly appearing on the Internet.
"Undercover agents may be at risk," fretted the agent.
So far three laptops have been recovered. One Ebay buyer was a convicted sex offender who it was later discovered had copied several thousand pictures of child abuse found on the FBI's computer to child pornography websites.
25 July 2007
A design flaw in the software of the sensational new iPhone is allowing criminals complete access to their handhelds. Victims are being billed by offshore companies while thieves steal whatever they want from the devices.
They can also upload files to compromised cellphones. According to authorities, there are reported cases of pornographic spam filling available memory.
"It's really an interesting flaw," said Hacker666, who is wanted for selling stolen FBI computers on ebay. "Almost as if someone intended there be a back door."
Financial districts of major cities are being hit the hardest according to authorities. Executives are being arrested on anonymous tips of illegal material on their iPhones, according to authorities.
Thieves cannot access the owner's password nor listen in on live phone calls according to Apple security experts.
12 March 2007
A shipment of "noncontact" sensors designed by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was stolen last week from a United Parcel Service delivery vehicle, NASA reports today in a press release.
"The guys knew exactly what they wanted," said the shaken driver in an interview shortly after the robbery.
The sensors can detect at a distance and through clothing the electrical signals sent to the larynx when silently thinking to oneself. Software designed to convert the signals into recognizable speech was also stolen.
In related news, a string of muggings this weekend involving patrons of automatic teller machines for their ATM cards stymied Las Vegas police until today's announcement.
"When we couldn't find signs of ATM tampering, we thought we might be dealing with psychic criminals channelling the victims' PIN numbers," said Police Chief Hugh G. Rollings. "With the news from NASA, it all makes sense now."
For more information, visit NASA's website.
14 June 2007
Cyberkinetics Inc. of Foxboro, MA, has received Food and Drug Administration approval to expand its use of brain implants to include elective surgery. "Disabled people will no longer be the only ones that can benefit from being able to control their personal computer using just their brain," said a spokeswoman.
"Early tests on para- and quadraplegics demonstrated without a doubt the potential of our devices," she said.
A small grid of electrodes is placed atop the brain and electrocorticographic (ECoG) activity is translated into computer commands such as keystrokes and mouse clicks.
"Our patients would break down in tears of joy being able to write again for the first time in years," said Cyberkinetics. "One patient, a Hollywood writer crippled three years ago in a car accident, was so impressed with his new abilities he donated his life's savings to our research department."
19 June 2007
(Tokyo) The first commercial recipient of an implanted cellular telephone, Muchi Hai, was visiting the local Disneyland when staff asked her to leave the park for using the new device while waiting in line.
"She was making other guests uncomfortable," said a Disney spokesperson."
Muchi attempted to explain that she had the phone in her head, but park officials wouldn't budge.
"They thought I was crazy!" said the exasperated teen. "I need to bring along proof whereever I go?"
Hai has filed a discrimination lawsuit against Disney demanding a full refund of her family's season passes and public apology. Disney says the charges are unfounded.
A history of brain implants may be found at the SkewsMe.com website.
18 July 2007
(Tokyo) Earlier this year Muchai Hai became the first person to receive a commercial neural implant capable of receiving cell phone calls controlled by her thoughts.
She later made headlines when Disney employees escorted her out of the local theme park for scaring guests by calling their cell phones without taking overt action.
The cyborg girl has once again made history by becoming the first recipient of brain implant video recording electrodes that can connect her to the Internet.
"Berkeley's cats and so many other critters they've tested for my pioneering accomplishments is mind blowing," said the girl. "And I absolutely love cats."
"That poor Acoustic Kitty that got run down," she lamented referring to a cat surgically implanted with surveilance equipment by the Central Intelligence Agency that was hit by a car before it could accomplish its mission.
"And the remote-controlled cockroaches, rats, and pigeons are cool too."
18 July 2007
(Tokyo) Modern day cyborg Muchai Hai is recovering well from recent surgery to upgrade her cell phone implant to a Web access able neural system.
"My first fake dream was mind blowing," she said. "I was briefed on what to expect, but I never imagined the detail."
Surgeons used computers to have her surf the web in a dream searching for specific information on brain implant related pages. Her notes upon waking confirmed the finding.
"Why other people don't demand these implants is beyond me," says Hai. "They tell me that I could actually exist in cyberspace while my body is in a hibernated state...and then some."
20 July 2007
Dozens of brave souls in America and Japan have undergone brain surgery to implant hardware that allows customized dreams and heads-up Internet on demand.
Charter Industrial Applications first created the implants to allow speechless communication. Successive generations of hardware and software followed to today's system allowing even REM sleep manipulation.
"It's artificial telepathy," says University of Maryland surgeon Hector Gonzalez who has performed several of the procedures. "The technology augments all cerebreal functions, even in sleep.
"It's quite amazing to watch a computer screen showing the three dimensional representation of a dream along with the brain's processes including sensation and problem solving specifics."
Brain implants are big business.
"Our maverick patients are spending their stock options on a bet to become more productive workers than even their bosses," said the doctor. "It's been very cutthroat."
Consulting firms are sprouting up to feed this new generation of cyborgs steady streams of business information.
Popular demand and deep pockets have contracted Deep Into It Productions to work on a version of its Dating Around software to suit the desires of the cyberjunkies.
Critics fear the gluttonous creations are going to create a two-tiered society where cyborgs dominate positions of wealth and power while normals are relegated to menial labor.
Futurists share similar concerns but have generally been proud of their predictions.
Charter Industrial Applications is currently focusing on the technology's hardware.
"We would like to duplicate a person's conciousness completely within a computer network," said a spokesman.
11 March 2007
In 2004, researchers from the University of Florida grew rat brain cells on a computer chip and trained them to pilot a flight simulator.
A spokesman for Tsinghua University in China announced yesterday that researchers there had successfully repeated the experiment using human cells.
"Teaching the unit to guide a missile was accomplished in only a fraction of the time it took the mouse culture to learn the task. The human tissue has exceeded our greatest expectations. When we combined the heuristic processes of the biological material with the raw computing power of silicon, we were quickly able to create a fingerprint identification system surpassing even the United States' capabilities.
"Preliminary tests with facial and auditory recognition have been promising. We are currently in the process of acquiring technologies from the American NASA Space Program that would allow our units to see through disguises as well as display brain activity and read subvocal speech from a distance."
"Mass production of next generation airport security is close."
Tomorrow, the Chinese university plans to announce a new international grant program focused on increasing the longevity of their cybernetic devices.
There has been some controversy regarding the school's use of human brain cells. A small contingent of Western protestors in front of the college waved placards reading "Soul Stealers" and "Out of your mind!"
16 June 2007
The creation of remote-contolled cockroaches in Tokyo was described in a January 27, 1997 Time article. Later that same year, the motion picture The Fifth Element featured one equipped with a camera.
Other animals turned into steerable robots include rats and pigeons.
"The discovery of the roboroach before it reached my office shows the dedication of my Secret Service," said President Bush.
"Our enemies aren't dumb. They will continue to use whatever method they can to bully us, but we will not stand down. I will never back off."
4 September 2007
Shortly after the University of Tokyo announced it had created remote-controlled cockroaches in 1997, the Hollywood blockbuster film "Fifth Element" depicted such a creature as a tool for spying.
In 1999, University of California at Berkeley scientists implanted 177 electrodes into a cat's brain and were able to descipher what the cat was seeing.
Today, Charter Industrial Applications has announced its creation of roboticized fruit flies. The cybernetic insects are impossible to differentiate by means of the naked eye.
"The technology we were using on our human canditates adapted well to the much simpler brains of our insect cousins," said a spokesman.
5 September 2007
The White House was closed this weekend while attendants fumigated the president's offices for a pest infestation.
"We believe a visitor snuck the fruit flies in," said a spokesman. "Homeland Security is attempting to locate the man."
The worry is over remote-controlled insects that have recently been created. The dead flies found at the nation's capital will be examined for virtually undetectable implants.
Inventors of cybernetic fruit flies, Charter Industrial Applications, released a statement that they will conduct a complete inventory of their assests and offer assistance in analysis of the insects.
25 August 2007
Several anonymous United Nations sources reported today of the Galactic Origins Domination Project. Government whistle-blowers praise it as next to Heaven in scope.
"Society needs to realize that today's advancements far surpass anything that even the most average educated person thinks to possibly contemplate," began the secretive UN statement.
Brain implant and quantum computing technology has led to amazing top secret nanotechnological advancements that the UN sources claim have "infected every intelligent life form on this planet."
The microscopic implants record and transmit the contents of people's minds, from moment to moment thinking to holistic esoteric thoughts, and save them to an underground storage facility, read the statement.
"We are all under the influence of the 'powers that be,'" continued the statement. "No one is informed of the infection."
The extraordinary technology is being operated under the control of an "open-ended spiritual-based belief system" outside the "religious dogma that currently dominates society" and New World Order factions dominating politics finished the statement.
People are instructed not to panic unless they deserve to go to Hell.
14 March 2007
In a television interview, former President George Bush's wife Barbara told America that their boys' wholesome upbringing included dinners of sheep testicles.
"They were farm boys through and through," she told The Spoof in a recent interview. "Jeb just couldn't get enough of the 'lamb chops' I served. And Georgie was always stealing food from his plate."
"We taught them to live off the land," she said. "That must be why George Junior was constantly digging for gold in our back yard."
"We are so proud of our kids to take after their father in career pursuits. We never imagined George would be leading a War on Terror."
When The Spoof confronted Barbara Bush with facts disputing the official version of the events of September 11th, 2001, she only stated, "Just because George sat there for several minutes doing nothing means nothing. My son had the entire resources of the United States military at his disposal."
11 September 2007
(Seattle, WA) As more states enact smoking bans, some business owners are taking legal steps to preserve their smoking sections. They are handing over their property to Native Americans.
"I'm a smoker," said one local club owner who tends bar. "And when they passed the law to ban smoking in 2005 I just about cried."
"But then it occurred to me that the casinos are exempt from the law because they're considered part of the Indian Reservations," he said.
A few phone calls later and the club was under new management.
"Now I can smoke freely in my own bar," said the club owner. "Even if it's technically not in my name and I get harassed by the [Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms]."
13 June 2007
A 2006 Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms accounting of profits from beer, wine and liquor sales uncovered a shocking fact. Americans are spending enough on alcoholic drinks to cover the health care costs of the uninsured.
"We were a little surprised," said an ATF accountant. "When we crunched the numbers, the profits generated from spirit sales more than covered the estimated cost to treat uninsured individuals."
Hard liquor was by far the most profitable, but "microbrews are highly profitable," said the spokesman. "Wine wasn't far behind."
With the growing number of single adults hitting their local bars to unwind, some customers were shocked.
"I go out after work on Friday to have a glass of wine, but I see how much some people spend on drinks," said one bar patron. "I never imagined so many people spent so much on drinks."
26 March 2007
Fort Lauderdale, Florida: City representatives report that this year's Spring Break was highly lucrative for roadside entrepreneurs. "Unfortunately, many of the sales were illegal," said counselwoman Goldie Saget.
"Local police shut down several stands offering everything from beer and liquor to marijuana brownies to the drug Ecstasy. There were even prescription drugs being sold streetside," she said.
"We confiscated tens of thousands of dollars and countless pills," Saget reported. "And we only just scratched the surface of these criminal enterprises."
It is estimated that illegal sales in Broward County alone reached well over $2M during the college recess. Other popular Spring Break desitinations have reported similar profits.
A representative for the DanceSafe organization reported that date rape drug usage appeared to decrease from last year. "We sold more drug testing kits and received fewer complaints of spiked drinks," said a spokeswoman. "This is good news for the party community. Safer is always better."
19 March 2007
While developing an aerosol to break down tars in smokers' repiratory tracts, researchers at the University of Maryland Munich Campus in Germany discovered an unexpected side effect that has raised some controversy.
"Our compound binds tightly with alcohol," explained Professor Millie Terrance. "In effect, several puffs on the inhaler can remove all traces of alcohol in the lungs."
Protestors around the world have expressed their concern to the Food and Drug Administration. "This new inhaler could be disasterous if it hit the streets," stressed Seattle, Washington resident Wendy Wran, organizer of Beings Living On World to block approval of the new drug.
"My son was killed by a drunk driver. Countless others are saved every day because of roadside breathalizer testing. Something that can so readily fool police needs to be controlled."
BLOW understands the benefits to smokers but insists there must be a better alternative that the researchers just haven't discovered yet.
14 June 2007
England's Stonehenge has become the new mecca for potheads around the world, surpassing even Weed, California as the favored vacation destination.
Weed has long been a gathering point for marijuana users looking to snap a photo at the "Welcome to Weed" sign at the city's limits, but now the ancient stone structure is attracting the stoners.
"Despite the ever increasing price of the plant," stated UK tourist official Herb Greenly, "marijuana smokers today have more disposable income than their hippie forefathers."
Sober tourists to Stonehenge have had mixed feelings about the clouds of intoxicating smoke at the historical site.
"Young people are down with it," said Greenly noting the drum circles which have become a daily occurance. "But the older generation can be downright indignant when it comes to hedonistic displays."
22 March 2007
Follow-up studies to those conducted by the military at universities and hospitals during the 1950s have shown that the hallucinogenic drug LSD may hold potential for treating several mental disorders.
"When I began the study in 1956 I was manic-depressive. It was ruining my life. After several treatments with LSD my temperament mellowed and I was in all effect normal again," wrote one patient anonymously in the University of Maryland study released today.
Another former subject wrote, "I could barely pull myself out of bed in the morning, but after given LSD, it opened my mind to a whole new world. My depression vanished."
A patient diagnosed with schitzophrenia wrote, "When the voices in my head started merging with the images my brain was making, I could see them for the hallucinations they really were. I was eventually cured."
The Army expressed surprise. A spokesman said, "We didn't expect there would be positive results to the testing. We were looking to depose leaders with a new super drug. It was also intended for use as a truth serum."
26 June 2007
Psychiatrists at the University of Maryland have received FDA approval to begin clinical trials using a drug similar to MDMA, or Ecstasy as it is commonly known, for marriage counseling.
"Similar research years ago with MDMA showed great promise," said doctor Xaviar E. Obama. "Couples become much more comfortable opening up to each other. There were some amazing breakthroughs from just one session."
"Our compound is far safer than the street drug," said the doctor. "But the subjective effects are nearly identical."
This isn't the first time the university has conducted studies using what are considered recreational drugs. Between 1955 and 1967 the school experimented with the drug LSD under Army contract.
24 March 2007
Cafe owners in the United States and UK have been expressing concern over the quality of open microphone performers at their venues.
"It used to be that some guy or gal would walk in and play up a storm, but the performers these days just suck," said longtime coffee shop owner Will Tunet.
"Where did the '60s go?" asked Tunet. "Even the '80s were better than this. There's just no good local talent out there it seems."
"About the best they can do is play some rock balled about an ex-lover. It's pretty pitiful when you have to listen to a dozen of these songs every weekend. Don't these kids have a life?" asked Tunet.
Apple Records disagrees. "Some of these fresh young talents are headed to stardom," said a representative. "Apple has been working non-stop to incorporate new singers into our fold. These new voices have been offering so much original material it's been very busy around here."
24 March 2007
Vice President Dick Cheney collapsed Sunday morning while taking a shower. "Luckily he carries a panic button," said his doctor. "He was dead several minutes before we got to him."
"We're not exactly sure how many heart attacks Mr. Cheney has had to date," said the doctor. "There have been dozens of small episodes. We can't say how many more his body can handle."
Cheney granted The Spoof a rare bedside interview stating that he saw "the other side" while lying unconscious on his bathroom floor.
"It was dark and hot. So hot. It burnt my feet and lungs and I collapsed and was burnt even worse. I can't describe the intense pain. It was terrifying."
When asked if there was anything he would have done differently given the chance, Cheney broke down sobbing.
"I regret so much," he kept repeating.
17 September 2007
Many news website surfers have seen the all-too-familiar Printer Friendly buttons offered to convert the mess of formatted text, navigation bars and advertisements into something more easily rendered onto paper pages for individual consumption.
While countless sites offer the environmentally-friendly buttons, the top winner of the First Skews Me Annual Green Website Footprint Award was a unanimous tie between all webmasters who use their skills to transparently make their pages go hardcopy without without using such buttons to hide advertisements, screen-specific formatting, or other irrelevant minutia unfriendly to Mother Nature using the tools currently provided by most browsers.
Second place winners include all websites that don't require electricity-intensive page downloads for individual clicks within the site.
Other prizes were awarded for originality of ink reduction presentation as well as sites that offered preprinted material for sale in lieu of printing from the screen, especially those offering their product on hemp-bound papyrus.
One thousand Lip Service booby prizes were handed out to popular websites that take no steps to be Green.
30 March 2007
Following on the success of websites like Del.icio.us, Digg, Reddit, and Stumbleupon; a Seattle-based company has purchased the UtterCrap portal and turned it into a webpage submission engine.
"Other sites allow readers to flag articles they like," said an UtterCrap spokesman, "but we want to offer them the chance to mark bad ones too. Some articles, while getting good search engine placement, are utter crap, worthless, and they waste users' time surfing them."
"When our results are integrated into popular search engine algorithms, their results will be far more relevant. We will also offer the option of submitting articles readers like."
25 March 2007
Missing images have been plaguing MySpace home pages. "Users link to pictures that don't work," said a MySpace spokesman. "We can't control their links."
"We want to show pictures from other peoples' web sites but then they don't show up," said MySpace user Hacker666. "Sometimes they even pop up images that read we're stealing bandwidth!"
"I thought the Internet was supposed to be free. You host, we'll toast," he said. "Some people get really mad when you show their links. It's like they want to stay in obscurity."
"That, or they hate the inevitable spam it brings."
Hotlinked images is a growing problem on the Internet. Hotlinking uses one user's website's bandwidth to show a picture on someone else's page.
26 March 2007
National Aeronautics and Space Administration officials announced today that they have discovered an object rapidly approaching Earth that resembles a Death Star from the popular movie series Star Wars. They also reported several large triangular objects accompanying the huge sphere.
"SETI has picked up what appear to be electronic communications from the objects," said a NASA spokesman, "but so far we have been unable to decypher the signals."
Star Wars fans across the world are a little frightened. "Many of us are more than willing to join the Dark Side if that's what it takes to save Earth," said the chairman of the Hollywood chapter of the George Lucas Fanclub.
Lucas could not be reached for comment.
World leaders George W. Bush and Tony Blair made public statements in response to NASA's report.
"If they're hostile, we will treat them as any other terrorist," said Bush.
Blair was more optimistic. "We have been contacted by the leader of the Raelian Movement claiming the Elohim are returning to reclaim the human society they seeded with their clones."
27 March 2007
Computer geeks aren't satisfied with their screen names, they're becoming them.
Websites specializing in name changes have reported a surge in computer users requesting to be called by their personal websites' names.
Silicon Valley and Redmond lawyers are swamped with requests. "Some of their new names are pretty slick," said one attorney. "They'll be much easier to remember now rather than John Smith or such."
"The name my parents gave me was fine," said Ebay seller Hacker666 who is currently wanted for selling several stolen FBI computers, "but I want to be called Hacker Dotcom DCLXVI. It's my livelihood."
The Spoof would like to remind Hacker666 that it is illegal to change your name to avoid legal matters.
29 March 2007
(Los Angeles) If you've noticed email spam containing horrendous typos and other grammatical errors, it may be the work of Chimpanzees.
A recent raid of an area sweatshop turned up more than just children working in deplorable conditions. In a back room were a dozen trained apes typing away at computers.
"They were copying properly structured information from one screen to another and hitting send," said an Immigration Officer. "But being Chimps, they'd naturally make mistakes."
This is the first reported case of mammals other than humans being used for computer processing. Some years back, Google announced their famous PigeonRank system for listing websites in its search engine.
26 June 2007
An internal State Department memo leaked to the press this weekend details plans for increasing the war push in preparation for low crop yields this summer.
"Side effects of the global honeybee die-off will have a devastating impact on the ability to feed our country," states the report. "It is therefore recommended that we immediately increase the number of troops in current and future war zones."
Other nations have secretly adopted similar proposals according to the report.
In 1994, renowned explorer Jacques Cousteau stated that the "world population must be stabilized and to do that we must eliminate 350,000 people per day." The report suggests that the number be increased to 600,000 to avoid massive starvation.
Suggestions to increase the number of executions of convicts on death row were also addressed.
1 April 2007
American government agencies have been busy trying to enlist new recruits using novel methods never attempted before the days of the War on Terror.
The most recent campaign was launched by the military at paintballing centers across the nation. "Usually the people that are interested in paintball have a propensity toward enlisting into the United States Army. So what we have to do is just get them to get a chance to speak to an Army recruiter," said Maj. Levie Conway, U.S. Army recruiter.
Thousands of young men and dozens of women have signed up for a hitch in the service as a result of the recent campaign.
If armed combat is not your thing, the Central Intelligence Agency has also been actively recruiting. From approaching potential agents on ski slopes to offering a tongue in cheek quiz on their website, the CIA has had modest success in recruiting as well.
"The thrill-seekers we've been bringing on board will be most valued assets," said a CIA spokeswoman. College campuses are still prime targets to recruiting assures the CIA. "They need a degree," she said.
The Spoof would like to remind potential candidates to government service that you will lose all sense of autonomy: your life will no longer be your own.
21 June 2007
Judges have been given the go ahead to give defendents receiving more than 100 hours of community service the option of being shipped to Iraq to complete their sentence. Other charges and fines may also be dropped or greatly reduced.
Some convicted criminals have already had old charges expunged for enlisting in the military, according to an ACLU report.
"The War on Terror has forced the military to change its position on who may serve," said an Army recruiter.
"We've greatly expanded our recruiting net, even increasing the maxiumum age of enlistment. The paintball point of entry has been a huge success.
"But we are still in need of live bodies, and dipping into the court system was the next logical step," he said. "A lot of people want to serve their country but don't realize they actually can."
16 June 2007
(Washington, DC) Taking a scene from the motion picture The Dirty Dozen, the Army has been secretly drafting hardened convicted felons into its ranks.
"Where they're being deployed to has yet to be discovered," said an ACLU spokesman. "But we have numerous reports of the brutal sociopaths being trained at military bases around the nation.
"Other soldiers are terrified of these guys."
Asked to speculate on potential uses for the savage killers, the ACLU spokesman responded "kamakazes?"
Laws that used to protect the rights of those incarcerated from forced conscription were superceded by the Patriot Act.
The White House remains tight-lipped about incidents only saying that "the War on Terror must remain a priority."
14 June 2007
The State Department's new Martial Arts Campus located near Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University has come under fire from activists who claim they're training people to murder.
The school accepts qualified applicants from the military and intelligence branches of government. The twelve week course "hones practical weapons skills" and "provides background into basic chemistry" according to official documents.
Protesters point out that they're teaching students the science of poisons. Bomb construction is also taught at the school.
"If a soldier wasn't trained in dozens of ways to kill before the classes, they sure are when they graduate," said rally organizer Ashley White.
"It's the School of Americas for Americans."
4 June 2007
Chimpanzees liberated from Los Angeles sweatshop computer spamming have been going apes over news coverage of their kin's revolt at Hardly University.
The apes at Hardly escaped and have been planning to launch a spacecraft, raising concerns from mind control activists regarding chimeric human/ape brain transplant experiments conducted at the school.
Hardly University has an extensive neural research and development program pioneering military airborne vector delivery systems utilizing rat brain cultures grafted to computer chips.
The electronic gaming industry has also been pressuring the school to develop next generation wetware for consoles despite government restrictions involving computing capacity of a mobile system.
26 March 2007
The stuffed remains of Dolly, the first mammal cloned from an adult cell in 1996, were stolen from the Royal Museum early Monday morning.
"It seems odd that a stuffed speciman would be the only thing taken," said a museum spokesman. "Sure she's priceless to a collector, but she's really not worth that much."
The robbery raised quite a ruckus. Explosives were used to gain entrance to a loading dock. "People started crying terrorism and running around crazy like," said an American tourist at the scene.
The thieves chose morning rush hour to stage their assault. Police response was predictably slow. Museum security guards ran for cover when the building was rocked by the explosion and automatic gunfire. No one was injured.
The Royal Museum and Roslin Institute where Dolly was cloned have offered a £25,000 reward for her return. "We want the whole world to see her, not some well-heeled collector with criminal connections," said Dolly cloning scientist Ian Wilmut who had previously made headlines when he cloned sheep Megan and Morag from cultured embryos.
23 March 2007
Tigger the cat got a new lease on life the other day. Owner Perl Gates explained, "He was never really nice. If you tried to pet him he'd go crazy and viciously attack."
But on Wednesday that all changed according to Gates.
Perl explained she retrieved her pet carrier out of storage with the intent of taking Tigger to the local humane society when the cat made a dash for her son's Ouija Board.
"Tigger batted the pointer around then sat up tall and proud. When I looked at the board, I saw that he had pointed to the word 'No' clear as day," she said. "I was shocked!
"When I asked Tigger if he was going to be a nice kitty he once again moved the pointer, this time pointing it to 'Yes.' I certainly can't get rid of him now."
The Spoof, sceptical of Tigger's prowess, asked several questions to the cat through Perl. At no time did the feline show any interest in the Ouija Board. To the contrary, attempts to nudge the pointer at Tigger's feet brought only growls and hisses and a nasty gash on this reporter's hand.
3 July 2007
As so many people do, they fall asleep in front of the television. Some even choose to sleep with the boob tube on all night.
Dedicated nocturnal viewers say they need the tv on in order to sleep.
But nighttime listening can negatively influence sleep patterns.
"External noises disrupt natural REM cycles," stresses mind control researcher Skews Me, "from incoming text messages to noisy alarm clocks."
"Occasionally television programming invades rememberable dreams. Acceptance of the commercial product within the context of a dream realm may hold no ground in conscious rational thought."
After World War Two, the American government launched Project Paperclip to import Nazi scientists who among other things experimented with hypnopaedia, that is the repeating of phrases during sleep to alter human behavior.
The term coined by Aldous Huxley in his 1932 book Brave New World describes experiments helping subjects to learn languages and break bad habits.
The founder of both the World and American Psychiatric Associations, Central Intelligence Agency mind control experimenter Dr Donald Ewen Cameron (video) used "the Cerebrophone, renamed the Dormaphone, as part of a technique he called 'psychic driving,' according to the Guardian Unlimited.
"Cameron, notorious for his cold and often unethical approach, became a key figure in the CIA's MK-Ultra (video) investigation into brainwashing and mind control, where psychic driving was used to 'reprogramme' subjects."
"If subconscious reprogramming of sleeping minds isn't enough," says Skews Me, "but some listeners insist on subjecting their apartment neighbors to the drone of their televisions."
11 June 2007
(Seattle, WA) Attorneys at the Federal Courthouse thought they were going nuts hearing a sultry "'Scuse me" with no one around on their way into the building. Several began taking medication.
It wasn't until the afflicted felt comfortable enough to discuss it in conversation that they realized the identical symptoms.
A search of the area Monday morning turned up a woman with a laptop HyperSonic Sound system capable of beaming the words into targets' heads from a distance.
HSS works on the principle of FM sound wave interference. Highly directional ultrasonic frequences are modulated to produce sound in the audible range.
Charges haven't been pressed against Joan Doh. Dozens of personal injury lawsuits have been filed against her by alleged victims.
2 March 2008
(Seattle, WA) Upgrades to television and telephone communications towers in anticipation of all-digital tv have increased their power output causing nearby residents to suffer periodic innomia.
Many report short surges that cause ringing in their heads.
Public Works reports at no time were there electromagnetic levels surpassing government saftey standards.
Mind control researchers disagree. "Some have described the ability to influence conscious thought with EM fields as psychotronics," says Skews Me.
"The technology has been around for decades in several forms," says the researcher. "Whistleblowers are commonly targetted for EM harassment, but soon everyone will be."
"Bush's New World Order is coming to fruition faster than sheeple realize," he says.
"When The Man turns on Project Bluebeam (video), society is going to freak."
26 June 2007
(Redmond, WA) Nintendo's new Wii gaming console promises to be the next generation of interactive systems, but danger lurks in the devices.
Players may lose grip of their handheld controllers causing damage to home property.
Hospital emergency rooms have also been reporting thousands of cases of injuries stemming from use of the controllers.
"We're seeing broken noses from accidentally getting hit by opponents to broken hands slammed into tables and walls," said doctor Joseph Blow.
The eldery have even been playing Wii, enjoying the simplicity of the interface. "Unfortunately there have been several accounts of sore muscles and torn ligaments," said the doctor.
Rheumatologists are also concerned that the games may lead to repetitive stress syndrome and arthritis.
Nintendo insists that their product is perfectly safe when used properly.
27 August 2007
Growing numbers of parents whose children play computer games have been expressing concerns to their pediatricians about the addictive nature of the software. Adults are also falling prey to the phenomenon.
"With each new generation of computer game comes players who can't seem to get enough of it," said a Silicon Valley therapist.
"There has been a substantial increase in gamers with failing health checking themselves into rehab centers," she said. "These people are so completely involved in their games that they spend eighteen hours a day at their computers and can't even escape dreaming about playing them while asleep."
Popular games such as America's Army, World of Warcraft, and Everquest appear to be the most addictive with children. Among adults, the recently released pornographic adventure Dating Around is a primary culprit.
Much of the addiction stems from the social nature of some of the games, report child psychologists across the nation. Others are drawn to the taboo behaviors many games encourage.
"Combine killing with online conversation and you get a powerful combination of addictive factors," said the therapist.
Parents are in an uproar over the computer industry's apparent lack of concern.
"We design games to keep people playing," said one programmer. "If someone becomes too involved, all they need to do is turn off their computer."
21 July 2007
Self-proclaimed video game addicts have been checking into rehabilitation centers in growing numbers. While many clinics are reluctant to accept such a diagnosis, the applicant's health often warrants a recuperative stay.
"Some of our patients will sit at their computers hours on end either never eating or over snacking and only getting up to go to the bathroom as a last resort," said a therapist at a Silicon Valley inpatient treatment facility.
"The gamer's health is often failing when he -- and sometimes she -- approaches us for help," said the therapist.
In June, the American Medical Association officially turned down a request to make video game addiction a formal psychiatric disorder.
At the same time, Internet addiction is an acceptable reason to avoid mandated military service in the Netherlands.
Symptoms of computer addiction are similar to that of any other AMA accepted disorder. "From obsessing on it all the time to the program's specifics invading their dreams to major health concerns, sufferers are really no different than meth addicts," said the therapist.
"With the exception that gamers tend not to be violent in real life unless they play first person shooters."
18 June 2007
(Renton, WA) Since its release in 1993, the trading card game Magic: The Gathering has been a huge success, even spawning an online version in 2002. Several other similar games such as Pokemon have shown lesser success.
Students today are asking schools to create trading card game clubs instead of the traditional chess.
"The number of potential winning combinations far surpasses that of any board game," emphasizes game creator Wizards of the Coast.
Schools have been reluctant to incorporate such extracurricular activities into their programs.
Some parents fear the game's use of demonic imagery and descriptions, often citing the numerous attempts to create Dungeons & Dragons clubs at their schools.
Job Corps also forbids its students from playing such games.
Kids are outraged. Many have started playing their lunchtime bouts in loud voices to protest.
"Sure, my pawn can jump your queen, but I can't pwn you with mad mana?" was the graffiti on the bathroom partition at a local high school.
14 June 2007
The runaway hit computer game World of Warcraft has been making appearances on several popular television programs. "Make Love, Not Warcraft" (video) from the cable show South Park was WoW's first nod from popular culture.
The Simpsons soon followed suit as well as American Dad, another FOX animated series about a Central Intelligence Agent's family, his alien houseguest, and a talking goldfish with a brain transplanted from a German Nazi.
The popularity of online games like Warcraft bringing together players from around the world have been accentuated by sites like YouTube.com offering videos of scenes from the television programs.
"Websites have even sprung up exclusively featuring our episode," said a South Park spokesman. "The gaming community loves what we've done to highlight their programs."
14 June 2007
For many, the computer games they sit down to play every evening have become an extension of their social life.
In-game text chatting is often not enough for the serious player. Live conversation is becoming the norm for the tech savvy.
Voice chat programs such as Team Speak and Ventrillo are a popular addition to their gaming experience. Actually being able to talk to other players has become an essential part of gaming.
Unfortunately, most of the online conversations revolve around the game they're playing. Topics relating to the real world are often neglected if not frowned upon by gamers.
Experts in human relations are worried about the trend. "When you have people talking, you expect some level of relevant conversation," expressed sociologist Maya Post. "That Internet gamers focus on their fantasy world instead of current events is disconcerting."
Online activists have expressed these concerns in numerous online forums. "We like to play the games, but we also like talking with people," said Magic: The Gathering Online gamer Skews_Me.
"When I'm told to shut up for mentioning Bush's latest butchering of the American Way, these idiots really get on my nerves for getting angry and refusing to discuss it."
"Where are the free thinkers in the world, prison?"
14 June 2007
The rock band Probe has become the focus of accusations from the medical community who say their music is causing listeners to feel sick.
"Extrememely low electromagnetic frequencies in their live songs are causing symptoms ranging from increased pulse rate to tightening of the chest to depression," said doctor Earl Duke.
Doctors list several bands who's music has generated complaints, but Probe stands out as possibly engineering theirs specifically to cause symptoms.
Digital analysis of Probe's songs indicates very specific frequencies that are inaudible and unrelated to the music's harmonics.
"There is no reason for 6 to 7 Hertz signals to be on the tracks," said Duke. "The notes -- if you want to call them that -- have been digitally inserted with the apparent goal of causing disorders in listeners."
Probe's first music video "In Your Head" even had to be recalled due to flashing images posing a seizure risk to susceptible viewers.
Attorneys for Probe deny any wrongdoing.
15 June 2007
Physicians in several so-called Bible Belt states are under fire for refusing to allow teenage girls access to recently developed birth control methods.
"First it was the day after pill," said Planned Parenthood spokeswoman BeBe McFee. "But now they're refusing to prescribe permanent birth control methods as well as a new pill that eliminates menstral periods alltogether."
Sixteen year old Alabama resident Phoebe Geller is certain she doesn't want to have children. When she asked her pediatrician what could be done to permanently prevent a pregnancy, the doctor simply told her to abstain from sex.
"He refused to answer any questions I had about the new stuff I've been hearing about on the news," Geller said. "The most I could get out of him was an offer for free condoms.
"I wanted to know about Anya and Essure, but the quack flat out refused to discuss them," she stressed.
"I don't want to make babies, and if I don't have to have cramps every month, all the better."
Federal law allows medical professionals to deny service based on personal religious beliefs. Southern states seem to be the most resistant to allowing pro-choice services.
"It's as if they want kids to have kids," said McFee.
15 June 2007
Internet gaming has become one of the most popular past times in recent history, but personal differences between players have been detracting from the fun for many.
Countless computer programs today allow people to band together into groups of like-minded individuals. Members help each other out with rules as well as provide game items to their online buddies cheaper than purchasing the virtual product from others.
Unfortunately, rivalries between so-called "clans" have become a growing problem.
"It's ridiculous the petty wars peeps wage on each other," said veteran Magic: The Gathering Online player Skews_Me.
"Players purposely disrupt our chat rooms and player-run events. The spam can become unbearable."
Methods usually exist to block individuals from posting to those who have chosen the option, but other areas of the game are often free of such censorship.
Blocking players' chats also has the drawback of preventing targetted individuals from seeing the trash talk said about them in the rooms.
"It's a catch-22," says Skews_Me. "While I'm sick of these immature jerks accusing me of everything negative under the sun, I still want to know what they're saying about me at the same time.
"Blocking someone's chats entirely is too often counterproductive to productive dialog."
Federal legislation last year proposed to criminalize inflamatory statements made against other online users, but the bill failed Congressional approval.
1 August 2007
People around the world have long been spotting alleged UFOs in our skies. Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced today that the mysterious objects are in fact part of an international spy program.
The Unmanned Flying Observers as they are called have been monitoring world hot spots since World War Two said Brown.
Based out of top secret military bases such as the infamous Area 51, the existance of the spacecraft until now has been categorically denied by world governments (video).
But today's report from 10 Downing Street details the evolution of the devices from rocket equipped balloons to today's antigravity magnetohydrodynamic (MHD) systems.
"I finally feel vindicated," said former U.S. government physicist Bob Lazar. "I've been telling people about the technology for years."
16 June 2007
Timmy Jammer claims to have been abucted by aliens Friday night. "They were going to probe me, but instead released me back to my old trailer park," he said.
Alien encounters are a routine matter these days in Podunk, Mississippi claim watchers of the sky. "Timmy's is just one more of numerous stories from the region," stated UFO researcher Dick Jones.
"Flying saucer sightings are commonplace here in Podunk," says Jones. "Some of those witnessing the mysterious events have even been reported to have been carried up to alien spacecraft."
"I'm gay, and when I told my alien abductors that fact, they let me go," said Timmy. "The frightening medical devices around me on the table weren't used. They let me free!"
Local police question Timmy's story based upon his blood alochol level of 1.3 the night of the alleged abduction.
Timmy refuses to recant his statements despite requests from local authorities.
23 March 2007
Pollution has been wreaking havoc on so-called "noses" as the trade calls them: perfume experts are losing their sense of smell.
"I used to be able to differentiate between thousands of scents," said "Pierre" who works for Chanel. "With all this smog I can't smell anything anymore. I'm going to lose my job."
Automobile emissions are to blame say some experts. The colorful cloud of contaminants over Paris has been steadily increasing over the past several decades, and "now you can't walk outside without smelling the toxic odors" said a Parisian resident.
Pierre is worried for new students entering the business. "If you want to be a nose in Paris, you need to wear a medical mask. There's just no other option these days."
19 June 2007
Hasbro has announced its upcoming DDO Dragon Whelp expansion to coincide with the release of their Magic: The Gathering Online Version 3 upgrade later this year.
"Players will now be able to train several wild animals to become their loyal beasts," said a spokesman. "Additional quests and new abilities will allow players various degrees of interaction with their familiars."
Initial reaction has been extremely positive. Online gamers have been filling up the message boards with chatter.
"I plan on giving my online girlfriend a litter of domesticated wolf pups," said one beta tester.
Hasbro remains tight lipped on exactly what species will be offered, but said that there will be mammals, birds, fish, and an assortment of classic D&D creatures.
18 June 2007
Kids in the rural Alaskan Biteame commune don't have much to do for fun. What they do have is one limited Internet connection and a love for the trading card game Magic: The Gathering.
"When the 2002 online ad for MTG Online hit my mailbox I was stoked," said Biteame reigning Magic champion Matthew Klondike.
"I downloaded card lists and printed up [illegal] playable copies. We even all chipped in to have a printer shipped to us that could make descent cards."
"It sucks I can't play in real events. My parents would fly me down.
"We download winning decks and use our resources to try and defeat known flaws in their defense. Our teams are the best around, but we can't prove it.
"At the very least, my computer classmates will soon be offering a new game that uses concepts behind Magic's abilities in a more fluid combat simulation," enthused Klondike.
"It's DDO on steroids!" he said referring to Dungeons & Dragons Online.
21 June 2007
Implemented in 1992 to accomodate soldiers complaining of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the Army's Relaxing Environmental Visualization (REV) program proved effective at reducing the horrible flashbacks and other symptoms.
REV was expanded in 2006 to include normal solidiers wishing the treatment.
Participants lie down on padded mats and follow the instructions presented them on prerecorded tapes. After breathing and muscle relaxing exercises, the tapes then present peaceful imagery to concentrate upon.
"Subjects enter a hypnotic state," says Stanford psychologist and hypnotic expert Mindy Sol. "The effect can be quite powerful, but there can also be negative consequences."
One soldier thought to record a session and was dumbfounded by what he discovered. "Everything seems normal until the end of the tape," said the private. "Then the narrator begins describing killing in such a positive manner, it's brainwashing!"
Army officials refused to comment other than to say their program has helped thousands of shell-shocked troops.
12 June 2007
(Seattle, WA) Officer Mark Dairy remembers stopping a man jaywalking across a busy five-lane highway Tuesday, but he claims he blacked out shortly after approaching the suspect.
A witness at the scene said the man made a series of unusual hand gestures and that Dairy appeared to go limp.
"The jaywalker gently removed the officer's sidearm and practically skipped away," she said. Dairy was also unresponsive to assistance.
The police department had no comment.
Defying The Spoof's belief, research has discovered what may have happened to the officer is related to the Central Intelligence Agency's MK-Ultra Program (video), a mind control conspiracy presumably shut down in 1977.
Researchers describe children being drugged, brainwashed, and sexually abused at government and private facilities around the world.
"They are conditioned to specific stimuli which may later trigger a traumatically-induced multiple personality that has been laying dormant since childhood," said a former intelligence agent turned whistleblower.
"If knowledge of the triggers spreads to the general population, thousands of victims could be at risk of exposure. Though more often than not, many of the guinea pigs have already converted to the Dark Side, so to speak."
22 June 2007
A wide variety of chicken products sold in countless stores under numerous brand names is being recalled for a suspected avian flu contamination.
"There have been no reports of infections in humans because of the products," said a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention spokesman in a televised statement. "But the people's pet birds are dropping dead in astonishing numbers.
"It is crucial that if you have any recently purchased chicken products in your home you contact the CDC and arrange for its removal."
Scientists worry that the avian flu will eventually mutate into a new virus that can more easily infect humans.
22 June 2007
(Seattle, WA) The shortage of port inspectors has allowed countless dangerous products from China to enter the US marketplace. "We just can't possibly keep up with the sheer number of different items coming in from abroad," said a city spokesman.
"We scan what we can for radiation, but testing for poisons in every toy and food product is beyond our current capabilities.
"We have had to rely on consumers to tip us off to suspect products."
The problem is getting worse. With the ever increasing variety of imports, inadequate controls, and no centralized recall database, it may take another nationally televised pet food scare to convince people to stop encouraging trinkets from Communist powers.
23 June 2007
(New Orleans) Mardi Gras has a long, rich history of being a celebration of hedonism. Unfortunately, one tradition has caused many headaches for police: flashing for beads.
Women bare their breasts in order to receive beaded necklaces from men.
"These ladies have been committing what are technically sex crimes," said Police Chief Prudance Jones. "But that may change now due to a bill before Congress."
The House of Representatives is expected to approve a law enforcing a 9pm curfew for children under 18 during Mardi Gras celebrations.
Senate approval is also expected once a provision is added that adults under 21 must show good reason to be out during the liquor-fueled celebration.
The President has stated he will veto the bill unless the Senate's version is adopted.
Supporters of the bill are thrilled. "If kids weren't running around, we'd be able to party without worrying about getting arrested," said a reveler at this year's celebration.
Critics consider the legislation heavy-handed. "A curfew for adults is unconstitutional," said an ACLU spokesman. "It's a sad day in our nation when the current politicians don't seem to realize that."
23 June 2007
At a recent Hollywood soiree, Courtney Love became the subject for a stage hypnotist. Love barked like a dog and danced a tasteful striptease, according to boyfriend David Lachapelle.
"But when the hypnotist suggested she was skeet shooting with a shotgun, Courtney broke down in tears crying repeatedly 'I didn't want to do it!'," said Lachepelle.
"She sunk into a deep depression for days," he said. "And was a mess of obsessive behaviors like hand washing.
"Courtney wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't even let me comfort her," lamented Lachepelle. "She practically smothered her daughter Frances with tearful hugs."
Nirvana fans find Love's behavior highly unusual, equating her outbursts to admitting guilt in the untimely death of husband Kurt Cobain.
13 March 2007
To settle a bar bet, Jonathan Williams, leader of Arayan Nation faction "The Church of Jesus Christ Christian," underwent genetic testing to discover his ancestry.
Upon opening the participation kit from the DNA Ancestry Project, Williams is alleged to have said, "My great-great-grandparents were proud Arayans, and theirs before them."
Approximately two months later when the results were in Williams held a press conference. "I hope this will show the world my pure lineage once and for all," he told the media circus.
Williams' face turned pale when he read the findings, and his knees buckled. "It musta been a [explicative deleted] in the woodshed," he choked out upon the realization that he had African paternal ancestry.
Reaction from other Arayans present was mixed. Some demanded Williams step down as leader. Others said it must have been rape. One shouted "contaminated sample!" All agreed that they would never look at Williams the same way again.
Critics at the scene had to stop laughing before responding to questions. Protest organizer Ashley White commented, "This is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Where's their white power now?"
7 July 2007
Traveling abroad is a luxury many Americans enjoy, but some foreign behaviors have appalled visitors to Europe and South America.
Despite laws in some nations banning citizens from owning Nazi paraphenalia, the racist movement is flourishing.
"Hate is still being taught to future generations of youth (videos)," said Northwest activist Ashley White.
"It is not uncommon to see young kids goose-stepping and hailing Hitler in public places such as restaraunts."
While children may not realize the gravity of their actions, their parents and onlookers are fully aware of the ramifications.
Affected teenagers are also known to commit acts of vandalism and violence against minorities during racist holidays such as Hitler's birthday.
Officials often turn a blind eye to such behaviors. "Unless the individuals actually commit a crime," said a German police chief, "there is really nothing we can do."
23 June 2007
(Boise, ID) Hotels are anxiously preparing for the upcoming Arian Nation National Convention next month. Restaurants and retail stores are also gearing up with specials and new window displays.
Local grease pit Dogs is offering a Bigot Burger with White Power Fries meal during the convention. A popular candy store is selling a wide variety of racist-themed confections too derogatory for print.
Keynote speaker Jonathan Williams is slated to commence the ceremonies discussing racial backgrounds that have "tainted" their bloodline, including his own.
Activists have been gathering in makeshift camps to protest the events. "We want a peaceful protest," said Ashley White. "But these racists are so unpredictable."
23 June 2007
(Los Angeles) Media whore Paris Hilton has announced her upcoming reality series "Bitches Behind Bars" to air on the FOX channel this Fall.
Covering topics ranging from "Mystery Meals" to "When Staff (Infection) isn't the Staff," the hotel heiress seeks to exploit her time behind bars in what promises to be the reality show of all reality shows.
Fellow inmates at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility are absolutely ecstatic about becoming new stars in Paris' next project.
"I looked out for her safety," said cellmate Big Bertha in an exclusive interview. "And the constant fighting to protect her honor will make for great television."
10 July 2007
(Seattle, WA) A downtown Seafirst bank was robbed at daybreak by a teen disguised with vegetation duct-taped to his body in imitation of a recent New Hampshire robbery.
Officers said 19-year-old Danny Boyer was arrested at his doctor's office and charged with robbery.
"Boyer was very cooperative," says Police Chief Carol O'Cane. "But he's not well.
"The young man has stated that he is suffering from debilitating conditions he can't afford to treat," said officer O'Cane.
A conviction will allow Mr. Boyer lifesaving surgery through the penal system medical program.
Incarceration to receive medical treatment is a growing trend among the sick and elderly willing to be locked up and undergo correctional facility procedures that may save their lives which they could not otherwise afford.
"We get guys on their last legs," says O'Cane. "It's a growing concern."
28 March 2007
Washington, D.C.: Authorities detained a suspicious man Tuesday lurking around the White House and discovered a holster for a Mac-10 machine gun under his jacket.
"When confronted he started ranting about not being able to afford the special baby food his infant needs," said a Secret Service spokesman. "Apparently he's receiving a government disability check and can't afford the baby's medicine."
"It's unfortunate that he chose to take the law into his own hands. That was his intent. He has continued to remain hostile under questioning."
A witness at the scene overheard him shout "I dumped the gun in the Potomac!"
21 June 2007
What might be called a denial of service attack by writers for TheSpoof.com, countless articles on potentially banned topics have been submitted to the site.
"Our filters caught most of the offensive material," said a spokesman. "But some of the material requires deeper reading."
Recent guidelines have been submitted after many authors created their accounts. New rules include:
The writer will not publish any articles which are overly defamatory or offensive. Topics which are definitely not allowed include death of living celebrities, explicit/horrific/graphic descriptions of sex or death, and rape, child molestation or any other sexual offenses.
Business Week lauds The Spoof for their integrity to furthering the creative writing process.
30 July 2007
Gallon-sized bottled water jugs have long been a staple product in home emergency kits for times of natural disaster, but over the last several years individually sized bottles have become a $11 billion-a-year business.
Consumers have been convinced that somehow bottled water is better than their local tap water. While this may be true in some regions, most cities' water supplies are adequately maintained and healthy according to government standards.
Many people don't even realize that popular brands of bottled water are actually just purified tap water, not flowing from some mountain spring like the picture on the bottle portrays.
Also, much of the bottled water sold on the American market is imported from Europe who's water supplies are suffering from centuries of pollution.
Awareness is increasing with companies including Pepsi Co. updating their labels to make it clear that the source is the public water supply.
The price of bottled water has even surpassed the price of gasoline. What would normally cost about one penny a gallon from the tap is sold for up to 10,000 times that price.
"For a long time, I've viewed [bottled water] as a huge marketing scam," said Salt Lake City Mayor Ross "Rocky" Anderson. An increasing number of people are starting to agree with him.
In addition to the environmental impact from the millions of empty plastic bottles piling up in landfills, it takes 460 million gallons of oil a year to bring that bottled water to the shelves. It is estimated that shipping the 43 million gallons of water from Europe each year creates the same carbon-dioxide emissions as 660 cars running for a year.
With contributions from The Seattle Times.
2 March 2008
Educators in the small town of Podunk, Mississippi were concerned when test scores suddenly plummetted.
"The children appeared listless and lazy and some were visibly ill," reported one middle school teacher.
"At first I thought all their parents had put them on Ritalin or something," she said. "But then I noticed their parents were behaving similarly."
When several teachers began feeling ill, the local high school science instructor decided to get the water tested.
Results of the test indicated that the town's water supply contained nearly 1000 times the amount of flouride than what is considered safe for humans.
Flouride, a common ingrediant in rat poison, is considered beneficial in small amounts. It was first added to the nation's water supplies in 1934 to determine optimal levels to promote dental health while not staining teeth.
Ingesting dangerous amounts leads to Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Symptoms include headaches, weakness, spasms, dizziness, feelings of nausea, and loss of mental acuity among others.
The town's mayor expressed concern for his citizens and vowed "to get to the bottom of it." Residents are advised not to come into contact with unfiltered tap water until further notice.
Neighboring communities have started displaying similar symptoms though additional tests have not yet been conducted.
8 August 2007
A recent study was conducted to discover the impact the fast food chain McDonalds has on children. The results were surprising.
"After children see the yellow M on television, they go nuts when they see it again on the street," said the study's head reseacher Bourgeois King.
McDonalds' golden arches are nearly as recognizable as Mickey Mouse's ears he said. "And until recently, they were almost synonymous."
Last year Disney stopped marketing itself through Mickey D's Happy Meals in an effort to distance itself from food considered harmful by the health-conscious community.
The burger joint has agreed to use its food-oriented commercials to depict well-balanced meals.
The research also looked at the impact of packaging on children's preferences.
"The kids overwhelmingly chose the branded label as better tasting than the same food in generic wrappers," said King.
Developmental psychologist Ida Kidd is terribly worried about the logo effect on children but offers some helpful advice to parents.
"If your youngster is a picky eater, just put the food in a McDonald's container," she said.
10 August 2007
While poorly educated societies living under constant fear of Mad Cow Disease and Avian Flu grapple with the concept of eating cloned beef, a Green approach for supplying the ever-increasing global market with meat products is receiving little attention.
"We can grow an unlimited supply of muscle tissue in petri dishes," said Chemistry Institutes of America head scientist Jamie Bond.
Cultured in the lab, disease would be virtually non-existent. Antibiotics and growth hormones would be unneccessary.
"There'd be no need to create obscene amounts of animal waste before slautering the proverbial cash cow," said Bond.
Experiments in 2002 with fish and frog meat yielded positive results. Beef, poultry and numerous exotic meats have since been successfully cultured.
The cattle industry isn't worried. Polls have shown the public extremely wary of stem-cell and cloning research.
15 August 2007
(Hong Kong) Bowing under pressure from Chinese tourists, the newest Disney Asian theme park has reneged on a deal with animal rights advocates and reinstated shark fin soup on its dining menus.
"The broth is a status symbol to the Chinese people," said a theme park spokesperson. "We receive thousands of requests for it every day."
The theme park also won't be passing out pamphlets describing the inhumane industry to its customers.
The popularity of the bland tasting soup has resulted in the decimation of several shark species that are baited, harvested alive, and then dumped back into the ocean's depths to die.
There has been a huge surge in shark fishing in anticipation of the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing. Environmentalists are appalled by the numbers of fins they're seeing on the market.
19 August 2007
"Buy them fresh from the truck, fast frozen or cooked to perfection, our steaks are 100% cruelty free," said spokesman Herschel Schmoikel Krustofski.
Asked how choice cuts of meat can be cruelty free, the clown responded, "They're pharmed not farmed."
"We grow our steaks in huge sheets in the lab," said Krustofski. "We're making a killing not killing! Hey hey!"
Animal rights activists are undecided on the issue. Conservatives demand that stem cell and cloning research cease and desist while liberals demand the process to replace animals with biofood alternatives becomes law.
"If there ever was such a thing as Soylent Orange," pondered a PETA spokeswoman, "laboratory production is the new Green meat."
28 August 2007
Politically correct artists may have noticed some changes to the familiar box of Crayons they grew up with. "Prussian Blue" was changed to "Midnight Blue" in 1958, "Flesh" to "Peach" in 1962, and "Indian Red" to "Chestnut" in 1999. Other colors have undergone similar changes over the years.
Due to popular demand, Crayola has created a set of flesh-toned Crayons to represent real skin colors. For reasons of racial sensitivity, the individual Crayons contain no written description.
Everyone from the most pale Caucasion to the darkest person of African ancestry is now represented in the 64 hue People of the World collection.
"Now I can make my friends!" said an ecstatic youngster playing with the new waxy drawing utensils.
2 September 2007
The American Medical Association stunned the nation today with the release of a report deriding doctors for purposely misdiagnosing anal herpes as hemorrhoids. The report estimates that nearly two-thirds of the painful rectal sores are in fact due to sexual activity the patients are reluctant to admit.
Flagrantly homosexual men are usually told the truth about their disease states the report, but others claiming to be straight are more often than not lied to about the sensitive condition.
"It's just better for their morale," said a family doctor who wished to remain anonymous. "People are already so uncomfortable with anything wrong below the belt."
6 September 2007
(Seattle, WA) Northwest activist Ashley White has introduced legislation to Congress that would recommend capital punishment for Level 3 sex offenders.
Known as the Sexual Predators Eliminated Collaterally In American Liberation (SPECIAL) Bill, repeat offenders "would be put down like any other dangerous dog," said Ms. White.
"No one hires them, they live off handouts or criminal activity, nobody wants them around," she said. "The recidivism rate is horrendous!"
The American Civil Liberties Union disagrees with the proposed execution of whom concernced citizens are calling "the scum of the Earth."
"The death penalty is inhumane," said an ACLU spokesman. "Innocent God-fearing people have been put to death."
12 June 2007
(Seattle, WA) Little Matthew Christianson was in tears when he called 911 Tuesday reporting a nest of birds under the eaves of a neighbor's house crying like human children. "They're screaming 'No!' and 'Don't!' and 'Stop!'," said Matthew to authorities.
Officers responded to the scene to discover homeowner and Level 3 sex offender Madden Andover had removed the nest and killed the starling chicks which he claimed are considered pests.
A search of the premises turned up no evidence of children.
"Starlings are excellent mimics: they can accurately reproduce human voices," said University of Washington ornithologist Avery Byrd. "Crying starlings pose a distrubing dilemma."
9 September 2007
(Seattle, WA) City stores exiting to alleyways are appreciative of new street placards being posted near garbage bins and back doorways.
"The 'Please Do Not P Here' signs serve a dual purpose," said one bar owner. "Drivers will know not to park there and drunks will know not to urinate illegally."
Others see it as wasteful government spending to remind citizens of laws they already should know are in place.
"It's just one more form of useless advertising," said Northwest activist Ashley White. "And from the Great Satan at that!"
Graffiti artists have been taking aim at the notices, writing in such distasteful phrases like "Puke" or converting the P to an R to read "Rape" in some of the more dangerous neighborhoods.
"Just more eye sores to block out," said Ms. White.
9 September 2007
Former American top cop, Alberto R. Gonzales, was discovered not to be a US citizen according to research conducted by the Associated Press.
"His position as the Attorney General was in complete violation of US law," said investigative reporter Ingred Presley Freely. "He is not a bona fide American citizen."
"According to our research, Mr. Gonzales has applied for employment with the California Lettuce Research Board as legal administrator," said Freely.
Contacted for a statement, the president's former lawyer said that he desires to go back to his roots, stating that heritage is everything to his people.
9 September 2007
The Man in the Yellow Hat was in utter shock while appearing before a Minneapolis-St. Paul judge in connection with his pet monkey's behavior in an airport restroom.
"First of all, Mr. Hat, possession of an exotic species is against the law here," said the judge.
"That your monkey was attempting to elicit sex acts from the undercover officer is represensible," he continued.
"What did you as an animal trainer expect would happen when your pet made explicit sexual advances toward the law enforcement official?" the judge asked.
Mr. Hat denied any culpability in his primate's actions, stating that George was just acting out normal courtship behaviors due to hormonal predilections.
"My monkey is not a sexual deviant," apologized Mr. Hat. "He's just a horny monkey I shouldn't be giving such a long leash."
11 September 2007
A recent survey asked Americans how much faith they have in their leaders among other related questions.
One fifth of those polled said they have absolute faith in the President and Congress. Interestingly enough, those same people were unable to locate the United States on a map.
Another 13 percent believe that the President has been completely honest during his two terms in office.
Those 33 percent also believe the official version of the events surrounding September 11, 2001, and that Sadam Hussein was developing weapons of mass destruction.
Only three percent of Americans answered that 9/11 was a conspiracy orchestrated by the US Government. Those few were also able to locate not only the United States on a map, but Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran as well.
11 September 2007
Purebred dog owners laud new vaginal condoms designed specifically for their prized pooches. Available in three different sizes, the latex sheathes can accomodate all breeds.
Dogs may now play together during those times when the bitches are in heat without worry of accidental pregnancy.
"The effect on the dogs' morale is amazing," said breeder Barbara Barker. "We no longer need to correct their natural tendencies to fit human expectations."
"The dogs can go hog wild with each other, sharing their affections without risk of cross-breeding," she said.
A dozen spermicidal condoms include an orally administered mild sedative and sterile applicators to assist in insertion. They are designed to stay in place for 24 hours, and sell for $4.95 per kit.
11 September 2007
Fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken has introduced its Freedom Fliers Baskets in preparation for the upcoming 2008 Presidential Election.
"We naturally went with a red, white and blue theme," said a company spokesman. "What true American can resist great food in a Stars and Stripes package?"
Customer response has been outstanding with sales increasing nearly 300 percent in the first week alone.
McDonalds too has jumped aboard with their Presidential Candidate Happy Meals. Despite the children being unable to vote, sales have soared.
"Parents are buying the bobble-heads for themselves," said a Ronald clown during a television commerical shoot promoting the toys.
Burger King, Dairy Queen, Wendy's and Taco Time are also considering election-themed meals.
9 June 2007
When it started growing on his neck, Mark Spiels thought it just a freckle. As the carcinoma increased in diameter, Mark had it removed and all was fine.
Then another one appeared. And another. On sensitive parts of his body.
A Department of Defense employee, Mark raised suspicions to his commander.
A search of the home turned up eye droppers containing an unknown fluid later identified as a purified carcenogenic compound.
Also discovered was as a powder found to contain taraxein, a substance produced by schitzophrenics that causes psychotic symptoms in those administered the compound.
Mary Spiels is wanted for attempted murder. Information may be found on the FBI's website.
19 August 2007
(Hollywood, CA) Peter Fox, co-star on the popular FoxTrot Sunday comic strip, is being held on $1 million bond in the death of younger brother Jason.
"He was pulling a beach prank," said Peter to the judge during arraignment. "I didn't see the harm with him being so far from the water."
Jason was discovered unconscious and pronounced dead at the scene. He was buried up to his neck with the bucket over his head Peter had placed there.
Extensive bruising from a blow to Jason's face is not attributed to Peter.
"An unusually high tide contributed to the boy's drowning," said the medical examiner. "We are also interested in finding the individual who may have kicked the bucket."
2 March 2008
(Seattle, WA) Unlike many other commonly used gasses, helium cannot be created by man.
Years of industrial and recreational use has depleted the world's supply. As with oil, helium is collected from deep underground pockets and is quickly running out.
Environmentalists aware of the crisis are disgusted when they see colorful balloon displays for no apparent purpose other than to promote capitalism.
Local activist Ashley White recently launched a campaign to inform people who sell and display balloons of the helium shortage. She has reported meeting stiff resistance to her pleas.
"They admit they're paying more at the counter for the tanks," she says. "But they're not willing to stop their wasteful consuming.
"Mothers are the worst," she says.
While the sun produces an ample supply of helium, retrieval of the element from such a great distance would be nearly impossible and extremely impractacle using current rocket technology.
3 March 2008
In conjunction with the release tomorrow of the Disney animated film "101 Dalmations" on video, dog farms have been busy breeding puppies for the increased demand.
Northwest activist Ashley White is outraged at the lack of respect for the horribly inbred animals. "Living beings cannot be a commodity," she stressed.
"They're trying to sell puppies outside of video stores," she explained. "And they're including 'free' DVD vouchers for the movie along with the dogs."
"Disney knows what affect they have on their viewers," White explained. "Their movie Mulan caused countless young girls to butcher their own hair."
"If there's a silver lining," she proffered. "It's that the videos are only on sale for a limited time."
Store owners frown on the practice and some breeders have been asked to relocate away from doorways.
"But that's not stopping them," said White. "They may have two dozen puppies they need to unload, and nothing is going to stop them."
Often the dogs are in poor health and sold without proper shots. "It's an inhumane trade," she said.